


Disintegration

by thisismeconfessing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ghost!Castiel, M/M, Post-Season/Series 12, i know i'm late for writing "cas is dead" angst fics but whatever, title from the Cure album
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 20:49:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12919980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisismeconfessing/pseuds/thisismeconfessing
Summary: dis - in - te - gra - tionnoun1. the process of losing cohesion or strength2. the process of coming to pieces3. what happened to dean in the aftermath of castiel's death.





	Disintegration

**Author's Note:**

> premise: set post s12. approx. 1% plot, 99% dean rambling internally about his feelings/the weather.

_"sometimes you make me feel_

_like I'm living at the edge of the world"_

__

“It’s dark,” Castiel said. “Looks like rain.” 

“Yeah, well, we better hope it doesn’t get much darker,” said Dean. “I can drive in a storm, but I don’t trust the other people on the road.” He glanced pointedly out of the Impala window at the other cars on the interstate. 

Dean brushed thoughts of the coming storm out of his mind. He would be two states over by the time the hurricane hit. The wind roaring outside, warning of the imminent downpour, shouldn’t set him on edge.

“It’s like the end of the world,” Castiel said, lost in thought. Dean gave Castiel a quick, concerned glance, but kept focus on the road.

“What do you mean?”

“All this wind,” Castiel said, as if that helped any. Sensing Dean’s confusion, he clarified: “When the world ends, God will sweep the earth with mighty winds and torrential, cleansing rain. The Biblical tale of Noah’s Ark describes only a small sample of the storms at the world’s end.”

“Got it.”

Castiel looked up out the windshield at the dark, cloudy sky. Not for the first time, he wished that he could take refuge in the human idea of a God watching over them from above. Surely human ignorance of the senselessness of the concept was preferable to  _ this _ . He crossed his arms and his shoulders curled in defensively.

“You cold, Cas?” Dean asked.

Castiel smiled mirthlessly. “I am dead, Dean. I am always cold.”

Dean grimaced. He knew he should have burned Cas’ trenchcoat with his body, but he couldn’t bring himself to lose the last piece of his angel. His angel. Not that Cas was his anymore, or that Cas had ever really been his. But Sam hadn’t stopped him from taking the coat and leaving it in the backseat of the Impala, so Cas still came on Dean’s hunts.

Dean’s eyes focused on the road in front of him, which stretched out forever in emptiness in the middle of nowhere. But his subconscious wandered to the edge of the world. He pictured himself living like this, for the rest of his days, until the world ended for good. Hurricanes would turn the desert to the sea, and yet Dean would still be driving across the vast sandy expanses with the ghost of an angel in his passenger seat. In his mind’s eye, Dean saw himself old, and in pain, and the last grains of his life ran out. Dying wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, even though the threat of Hell still lingered in the corners of his life. And if death could mean reunion with Castiel- 

Dean smiled at the thought. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Cas smiling too. Easy breaths passed between them in the comfortable silence of the car. (Did ghosts breathe?) Even in death, Castiel made Dean feel like he was on the edge of something greater, something bigger than himself or God. And yet when Dean was on edge, it was Cas who kept him soft. Yes, he would do anything for that smile; he would blaze a trail through the driving rain, he would live forever in this limbo between land and sea and sky, he would count every last grain of sand in the desert of the ocean if it meant Cas kept smiling. 

“What are you thinking about?” asked Castiel.

“The way you smile,” said Dean honestly, even though it was cheesy. 

Cas replied, “It’s just the way I smile.” 

Dean nodded slowly. “I know,” he said. “That’s why I’m thinking about it.” It was hard to tell while driving in near darkness, but he could’ve sworn Cas blushed. (Can ghosts blush?)

Rain began to fall, hard and heavy, on the roof of the old car. In the emptiness of the plains they drove through, in Castiel's presence, even the mundane sound of rainfall felt like some sacred song. Cas glanced out the window again. “Keep your eyes on the road,” he warned. “It’s getting dark.”

**Author's Note:**

> almost completely unedited. just raw ramblings, so i apologize for any errors. i hope someone out there enjoys this, cuz i kinda enjoyed writing it
> 
> i'm probably never gonna add to this but i might, who knows? this is the first fic i've ever posted on here, so there's no telling what will happen
> 
> bonus points to anyone who recognizes the songs i referenced (there's 3, and they're rather obscure, but if you recognize it i'll love you forever)


End file.
